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ScarletRiver
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Gender: Female
Interests: music, words, emotions, languages, eyes
Expertise: saying things that sound worse than they are
Message: message me
Member Since:
3/20/2004
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| Oh NO, it is only Tuesday, and the week is getting off to a BAD START.
Results for CSE midterm: abysmal.
Kf this evening: AAARRRGH.
I don't know if I can do this.
Usually I think "I can do this." I am terribly stubborn. You could call it persistence, but in this case it's just stubbornness. I might be trying to be something I am not. It just isn't in me. However, I don't want to accept that, especially since some days are generally okay, and every once in a while there will be an evening during which I am somehow somewhat aggressive, or at least have intent in what I am doing.
Tonight was not one of those nights, not even close. There are two guys who have come a couple of times to kind of do a trade, their skills for our skills. It's an interesting learning experience for sure. Anyway, I should just never be paired with anyone like that... I criticize myself relentlessly and end up shutting down. "Don't disappoint me, L!" said el instructor. I was torn between our familiarity and this new person who probably expected some level of competence. I felt like a chameleon wavering between colors, just trying to blend in.
This is taking forever to get comfortable in. A new skin...
I peeked at a blog and ended up taking a 'love language' test. It turned out to be physical touch, scoring the highest possible number. Next was affirmation, at almost half that. I guess neither of those are surprising.
You sit and stare out at the sky
and think of ways to fake a smile
but life is never what it seems
sometimes it only takes a while
I'm in the way of falling down,
I won't let you go that far now
I'm in the way of falling down,
I won't let you go that far now
If you think that hope was left behind
I picked it up a mile ago
and I am running close behind
so don't give up and don't let go
I'm in the way of falling down
I won't let you go that far now
I was accosted in the quad by a couple of theology students who wanted to talk to me about God the Mother. I- what? God the Mother? Yes, they said, and they showed some verses that were supposed to support their theory. For the most part, I thought they were off, but of course I'm curious as to what my pastor would say.
Some of their arguments: God created man and woman in His image, so He must have two images.
The Holy City of Jerusalem is called "the bride" in Revelations, and a bit later on, "the bride" comes down from heaven. Who is this bride? (They didn't really answer that either.)
There is a verse which says "The Spirit and the bride say..." (to come drink the water of eternal life). This, they conjectured, means that this mysterious bride has the same power as the Spirit.
These arguments were pretty interesting, and I am also curious as to what the students think their implications are. It seemed like they were saying there ought to be a God-the-Mother, but religion only refers to God the Father (their words); however, if the Bible only refers to God the Father, why should we think there ought to be, in religion, a reference to a God the Mother, unless they also want to stick it in the Bible somewhere...?
I was late to choir. I can't resist a well-evidenced, non-confrontational, not emotionally charged religious discussion.
Also I don't know if you care but this past Sunday's sermon changed my life. It's a subtle shift to the outside but it will hopefully have lasting effects and snowball to become even better.
:)
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| so it's natural that I would feel like there are a lot of moments in my current experiences that I've seen or read somewhere before.
I live with girls for whom eating is taken fairly seriously. The athletes are quite happy to eat generally what they please, since they work out for hours every day, and they have training table ("You train... to eat?"), which is basically food prepared just for them. The other two who are not on a team are also quite consistent in taking time to really prepare meals and plan out how much they'll have for the rest of the week. This is such a different lifestyle than what I saw in the apartment with my friends over the summer, where most of the time, dinner was a mystery until about ten minutes before eating it. There wasn't much planning - and there was always a ton of junk food (one friend worked as a barista and brought home pastries etc... thank the Lord I am not a fan of pastries).
Anyway, I really enjoy the conversations we've been having about food and naturopathy and home remedies. With our powers combined, we could write a natural-remedy novel for all of your aches, pains and puzzling body issues. Sv--- swears by what a naturopathic doctor, who used electricity to determine what foods she doesn't react well to, told her, and she'll cure you of a cold with a strange mixture of honey and garlic; L--- has Chinese herbs for everything.
Gotta go, we're discussing health and body fat and boobs. And naked athletes.
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I just wanted to announce that I'm writing legislation as homework, and it is a little overwhelming (I'm not old enough/wise enough to propose law!), but it's a reminder that there actually are people our age who help Congresswomen & men write bills.
I'm reforming the educational system, fyi :)
(I feel like I don't know nearly enough to be doing this.) | | |
| new music crush: oren lavie
(these crushes can be quite instantaneous)
this is sad dream music
I had a good dream a couple of nights ago. It was kind of a neutral dream, but I was glad to have it.
I was standing with an instructor of mine, and it was comfortable. It was - different, I don't know. We were interacting but without words and not standing too close. Something shifted and he needed to leave so I could see someone else. He left, and suddenly I found myself standing on a bike trail. It was wide. There was a lot of green, many trees, and a large body of water somewhere nearby. My grandfather kind of appeared, where the other guy had been not even a second before. I was glad to see him, but I did feel a little bad. We were on a walk with our family, and he said Nana and the rest of them were coming but we could keep walking a bit if we wanted. Then a guy stumbled over to us from a bend in the lane, and he looked distraught; his face was dirty and his hands might have had blood on them... he needed help, and my grandfather went over to see what was wrong. Around the corner, there was a bike in the bushes, and a man had fallen off it and I didn't see him but knew he was lying near there. My grandfather, for some reason, was going to get out his tool kit and repair the bike and the man. The dream ended.
I love you, grandparents, and I won't forget growing up and being at your house, or anything. It hailed yesterday and I was reminded of the golf-ball-sized hail I saw at your house once when I was a little girl. I remember that house and I think of the bird's nest you wouldn't let me touch ("mama won't come back if she smells us"), the jewelry I used to play with, the Halloweens and birthdays, the kitten we got for you, microwaved s'mores and grapefruit and tapioca pudding and playing UpWords and cards and the familiar smell, oh the comforting smell of your house, the refuge from the parents fighting, the place I felt the most comfortable to be nothing but a child and explore like a cat until I loved your house and loved knowing everything about it that I could. I miss you so much and I will never forget - I never want to forget - although I hate remembering - your slow progress to sleep, private moments we had before the final breaths and the worst heartache I have ever experienced. I love you, I love you I love you I love you. I love to see you in my dreams because they are better than pictures. I can hug you in my dreams. I don't think I do hug you, not like a real hug - but it's as though I can. I miss you. You're so far away and I wish you were here next to me. I wish you could have seen me go to college, I wish you could have seen mom and dad change the color of the house, I wish you could have seen our back yard transform, I wish you could have seen my cousin get married... I wish you could see me get married. I wish I could be eight again and be home from school - at your house. I think of you and it is like you are behind glass and I cannot touch you and you cannot hear me.
You are a joy in my heart. I can't ever let you go. It hurts though. I'm crying.
gooodbye, blue sky
you made me happy for a while
and how you gave me your
blue smile | | |
| It's always better when you get to know someone.
I have a roommate, Lina, at whom I was rather annoyed before. I don't remember if I posted about it or if I just wrote it and deleted it, but anyway, I knew I probably shouldn't be annoyed, so I kind of tried to ignore it.
She's been missing lots of school due to tennis traveling, and I don't know how on earth she's been staying on top of her CS homework. Well... apparently she hasn't, really, but she never seems really frustrated. Until last night I suppose. Our homework was due by 11:30 pm, it was about 10:45, and she was struggling. "I'm gonna kill myself." I heard her Chinese accent sigh from the other room. "I'm just one day gonna snap."
I tried to help her - I won't call it cheating, but it was borderline - and then we talked. She told me about her crazy lawyer Chinese mother who would wake her up early in her childhood to do chores, extra work, whatever; for whom nothing was ever quite good enough; who would always argue (I wonder if Lina ever feels like she's right?) no matter the value of the argument; who never has anything good to say about the father; and who believed that work is the key to life, the only really important thing. I told her that my mother was kind of similar, but not to that extent, and yes a little different. My mother never pushed me that hard, but at the same time was not supportive of my personality like Lina's mom seems to be.
Anyway, I felt like sharing. I think we are more similar than I would have thought before; Lina was talking about herself and would say something like "people like us..." etc. She sees it too. Perfectionists in a bad way, sometimes losing sight of what's actually important. I think I'm pretty laid back about certain things, though. I told her that maybe she should reevaluate her priorities, because work is important but it doesn't encompass life, and "doing her best" can also mean building good relationships with people, developing herself in other ways... taking time to take care of herself... idk. We just had a really honest conversation. I think we'll be friends.
As for kf tonight? With the exception of two very clear (I wish I could forget them) moments, for the most part I felt my self consciousness evaporate. Unfortunately, that usually means I am less smiley, but I suppose it's worth it.
ps if you haven't seen "tuts my barreh" you should, it cracks me up. | | |
| It's been a new quarter of new experiences, that's for sure. This weekend is no exception; getting ready for Halloween quickly evolved into a housewide event.
The downstairs was quiet. I was mostly assembled and looking so gypsyesque, but it lacked something. I heard noise upstairs, music, clomping of feet, voices - I went up and suddenly found myself in a scene from Legally Blonde or Miss Congeniality, more than half the tennis team glamming it up for the evening. Honestly? I felt a little weird, an observer (I suddenly felt like my fifth-grade self, with braces and super round glasses and unmanageably poofy hair), until - "OMG you are the cutest gypsy! And I have the perfect thing - here -" I was sucked up by the whirlwind...
It was so weird.
And tonight, they are back, and... drama.
(SO WEIRD.)
Ugh work in six hours.
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you shouldn't say anything love-related unless you have some meaning to it.
or else my little heart is just going to implode. | | |
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